Eighteen Years Gone
by agent m1
Summary: Letters from Draco to Lucius right before Draco's graduation. Slash implications (D/H)


Title: Eighteen Years Gone  
Author: Agent M (loveofhavok@colourovers.net)  
Archive: Tainted Wings (www.colourovers.net/wings) anywhere else, just ask.  
Warnings: Songfic. Draco angst.   
Disclaimer: HP is not mine. "Eighteen Years Gone" is by Anti-45 (a great band who recently broke up *tear*)  
Notes: I was driving, listening to my Anti-45 cd when the insperation for this fic hit me. It just screamed "draco," but i'm not sure if i like the outcome...  
Thanks to VinylNoMiko for being the best beta in the world!!

* * *

June 1 

_Faded pictures of happiness cover the walls.   
My innocent grin, all my dreams were held in for too long. _

Dear Dad, 

It's been seven years already. Seven years and now I'm graduating in a little less than a week. Lately I have been forced to think about a subject I tried to avoid for years: my future and my life after Hogwarts. You have always told me that the main mark of both a Slytherin and a Malfoy is to get what you want no matter what; no matter who you have to step on along the way. I've always believed you were right on both accounts, believing that this is what I need to do to get what I wanted. And that, of course, was to work for Voldemort and to serve him the way you do. 

Then something happened, Dad. I can't say when or where; it was more of a gradual change. I look back at all the times I spent with you preparing for my graduation and initiation. Times spent in Knockturn Alley and other areas no wizard of my age should have seen. I began to understand that the life you had chosen for me, the life you were trying to live through me, was not what I wanted. My idea of a life is not spent groveling over someone who has a vendetta against the world. It's not my fight. I don't have, want, or need the power to decide whose life is worth living and whose life is worth dying.

I understand that for some reason you think by molding me into a perfect son and perfect slave for Voldemort you can somehow make up for the ways you disappointed him and betrayed him last time around. I can't be that pawn for you. I can't give up what I want and what I have worked so hard to achieve. Hogwarts has changed me, which is undoubtedly why you wanted me to go to Durmstrang.

I have my own plans for the future. After graduation I plan on moving in with Harry. Yes, Harry Potter. The Boy-Who-Lived. The Gryffindor. Whatever you want to call him. Harry is my life now and forever.

I don't know how you feel about homosexuals, Dad. It is, however, who I am inside. I don't care if you like it or not and I don't expect you to understand, but I expect you to accept my decisions and life style. I hope that isn't too much to ask from you. 

You probably believe me as a coward by writing all of this in a letter. I couldn't argue. Courage has never been a strong point for me as it's too much of a Gryffindor trait. Please believe me when I say I don't mean to hurt you by this, but these things need to be said and heard. I want you to know that I still love and respect you, dad.

Please send my love to mom as well. I will see you at my graduation 

Love,   
Draco. 

_Are you trying?   
Trying to live, live your own life, your life through me?   
Are you crying?   
Crying inside, because you saw, the real me?_

--- 

June 3 

_Are you willing to throw me out of your whole life?   
Lock me out, throw me out, tear me out, your love's a lie._

Father,

I wish I could say that I was surprised at the content of your letter. I wish I could say that somewhere deep inside I wasn't expecting this. But I was. Your actions have always been brash and impulsive. And it seems that this is just another one of those instances. 

May I ask what reaction you were trying to get by disowning me? I have my own Gringotts account and I have Harry. We both have futures to look forward to, something that you cannot say for yourself at this time. But is disownment the way you want to go about controlling me? A bit counterproductive, don't you think? 

You have to understand that I don't care about the money or the name. But I am your only child, your only heir. Is it that hard for you to accept me as who I am? Because I am gay? Because I am in love with Harry James Potter? Or is it because of Voldemort that you chose to cut me off? 

There is something so wrong with the fact that you are able to "forget" about me so quickly. Was there so little a bond between us to begin with? Was it my own naivete that made me believe that you were the ideal father figure who would love me unconditionally? 

I now see how foolish I was all these year. It's taken me eighteen years to realize what type of person you are and what type of person you wanted me to be. Sorry to say that I have turned out the opposite. Your loss, not mine. 

Sincerely,   
Draco. 

_Can you love me?  
Love me for who, for who I am, I am your son.  
You can't love me.  
Now I see you, you were a fraud, eighteen years gone._

---

June 5 

Lucius -- 

Sorry to have inconvenienced you with my last letter, and rest assured that this one you are reading now will be my last. You have drawn the line, closed the door and now you no longer have a son. I just hope you know what you are doing. If you don't, let you live the rest of your life regretting your decision because you will never see me again.

I will try to harden my heart to you, so that I can live a complete life with Harry free of any sort I guilt I might feel after this. Of course the guilt should be yours to carry always. Your holds on me, even through guilt, won't affect me anymore. 

I assume I won't be seeing you tomorrow or ever again, so thank you for sending me to Hogwarts and showing me what it is I never want to be. 

-- Draco. 

_Are you loosing?   
Loosing your son, loosing your child, it won't be long.  
I AM GONE! _

-end-


End file.
